Tolkien's Genre
by schaferdramaqueen
Summary: X-OVER with LOTR, Inheritance Cycle, and Harry Potter. I OWN NOTHING. Useless drivel, supposed to be funny. Book-verse, except for a FEW parts of LOTR.


Erm…yeah. Not up to my usual standard, but I suppose if you wanted to you could call it a skit…I thought of this a few days ago, and I've forgotten most of it, but I suppose 8 pages of this twaddle is enough for anyone…

_**Setting: a generic forest clearing that could be found in countless fantasy stories. Aragorn and Arwen are walking close to each other and holding hands. Eragon and Arya are…not.**_

Eragon: But Arya, the amount of strength that it would take for Galbarotix to be able to- _(really sharp elvish-enhanced eyes see something ahead)_ Wait! What's that?

Arya: Oh, you just noticed? It looks like a man and a woman…an elf. Strange, they seem familiar…

_**On the other side of the clearing**_

Aragorn: _Nonsense self-torturing lovey-dovey stuff_

Arwen: _Nonsense encouraging lovey-dovey stuff_

Aragorn: But I am just a man.

Arwen: Not just any man. _Smiles kindly_

_**They're getting closer, they're gazing soppily at each other, they're just about to start kissing when…**_

Eragon: Halt! What are your names and business?

Aragorn and Arwen: _Completely oblivious because they're lost in each other's eyes_

Arya: _Rolls eyes_

Eragon: Wow. They're worse than Roran and Katrina. _Blushes_

Arya: _Taps Aragorn and Arwen on shoulders_ Look, I hate to break this up, but what are you doing here?

Aragorn: Huh?

Arwen: The wood belongs to whoever walks in it, as you know, sister elf. Why try to put a price on those as free and beautiful as the summer trees?

Eragon: Do all elves talk in verse?

Aragorn: _Finally surfacing _But we would know your names, fair travelers.

Eragon: I'm sorry, but I did ask first.

Aragorn: I see.

Eragon: _crosses arms stubbornly_

Aragon: _mimics gesture_

Arwen and Arya: _sigh in unison_

Arya: This is Eragon, last of the free Riders. I am the elf Arya Drottningu.

Aragorn: _blinks in surprise_

Arwen: _smiles again_ This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. He is the true king of Gondor. My name is Arwen Evenstar.

Eragon: _whispering to Arya_ Why does he have my name?

Aragorn: _whispering to Arwen_ This youth carries my name. _Louder_ As you can see, we share a name…though I ask, why do you pronounce it so? Surely you mean Ara-GORN.

Eragon: Excuse me, but you're wrong. It's Era-GON.

Aragorn: I must have heard incorrectly. Ara-GORN.

Eragon: Era-GON.

Aragorn: GORN.

Eragon: GON.

Aragorn: If it pleases you to say it thus…

Eragon: Yes, it does!

Aragorn: I apologize if I seem rude. You must forgive me. I have had a trying time-

Eragon: YOU'VE had a trying time? Ha!

Aragorn: Do not speak of what you do not understand!

Eragon: You just don't get it, do you?

_**Arwen and Arya settle down on the forest floor, realizing that this will be a long conversation.**_

Arwen: Sut naa lle umien?

Arya: Pardon me? Atra du evarinya ono varda?

Arwen: We do not understand each other, it seems.

Arya: Your grasp on our language seems to be loose. Perhaps you have learned from some other source?

Arwen: I assure you that I speak this language perfectly.

Arya: Shall we switch to English?

Arwen: It seems best.

_**They continue talking. Meanwhile…**_

Aragorn: Look, my true love is going to leave this land and never return…

Eragon: You think that's bad? That's what I have to do!

Aragon: But this is my love!

Eragon: At least she will love you. _Looks sad._

Aragon: But I am not worthy! _Looks tortured_

Eragon: _disgusted_ Oh, cut it out! Believe me, she wouldn't go out with you if she thought you weren't worthy, or absolutely perfect for her. I'd know. _Heartbroken sigh_

Aragon: What do you know? I am – _breaks off into Elvish._

Eragon: _politely_ Bless you.

Aragorn: Look, I…_puts hand to Arwen' necklace_

Eragon: _surprised_ Oh, you have a necklace, too? _Takes out dwarvish anti-scrying charm._

Aragon: _Draws sword with great flourish and scraping of metal_ This is Anduril, the blade that was broken.

Eragon: _Draws HIS sword in similar fashion_ This is Brisingr.

Aragorn: Mine has a long history and belongs only to Isildur's heir.

Eragon: Mine bursts into flames whenever I tell it to.

Aragorn: Darn. _Sheathes Anduril disappointedly._

Eragon: Look, I think I've got a couple of Ra'Zac chasing me...you know, creepy, slimy, eat humans, bad breath.

Aragorn: You mean orcs? There are a few on my back, also.

Eragon: Sure…

_**Over to the side, Arwen has taken out a deck of cards and begun to play War with Arya.**_

Arwen: It's strange, I thought I was the only one of my people who looked like Luthien.

Arya: Who do you speak of? If you mean Queen Izlanzadi, leader of our people, then I resemble her because I am her daughter.

Arwen: But my father, Elrond, is also a leader. Izlanzadi…would you mean the Lady Galadriel? But she does not look like you, no…you have the same hue and weight of hair that I do…

Arya: And we're both tall…and thin…and beautiful…and _elves…_

Arwen: And our names begin with the human rune "A," and we met our loves when they were young-

Arya: _looks over at Eragon _Ah, he's not my love.

Arwen: _smiles knowingly_ I see.

Arya: _putting down card_ Five beats three. This really is quite a worthless and stupid game.

Arwen: Yes, well, that's the story of our lives. Battle after battle after battle after battle…

Both: _sigh _MEN.

_**The Eragon's life vs. Aragorn's life discussion is still going on…**_

Aragorn: I don't have time for this! I have to find Gimli, he was looking for Gandalf.

Eragon: Gandalf? Is he old and wise and cryptic somehow knows everything and has magic powers?

Aragorn: Yes…how did you know?

Eragon: I called him Brom, and he was my father…I am truly sorry, but he is dead.

Aragorn: I know he's dead. Got pulled down by the Balrog. _Aww…Aragorn's gonna cry!_

Eragon: Who?

Aragorn: You know, tall, creature of darkness, nearly impossible to kill, specialized weapon that-

Eragon: A Shade? Yes, I was there. _Eragon's about to start bawling, too_

Aragorn: I did not see you…but as I was saying, the dwarf Gimli-

Eragon: Finally, something with the same name! Dwarves! Yes, I know them. They are masters of the mine, I can tell you that… _shakes head in wonder_

Aragorn: I have been in their halls. Gimli has traveled with me and helped me many-

Eragon: Hmm…he sounds quite a lot like Orik.

Aragorn: _glances around in alarm _Orc?

Eragon: No, Orik. A dwarf.

Aragorn: Ah. _Relaxes._ Was he as eager to join my army as Gimli was?

Eragon: Your army? I thought that the Varden…but I have also lead an army…

Aragorn: This…Varden…was a small rebel group protected by stone and the last defense against a magical evil overlord who has endured throughout generations?

Eragon: _surprised_ Yes.

Aragorn: Fear not, for I am the true king of Gondor.

Eragon: _confused _Sorry…?

Aragorn: Surely you speak of Gondor when you say "Varden?"

Eragon: I don't think so…and I'd lay off the "king" act, I don't think Nasuada will like it. And unity is necessary if we are to defeat Galbatorix.

Aragorn: Galbatorix?

Eragon: That evil overlord? The one whom one single individual of the race widely recognized as the stupidest and weakest will have to defeat, only they do have one friend?

Aragorn: Oh. Him. Sauron. Yes, he has seeped into the minds of many, turning them traitor.

Eragon: Sounds about right. And one of these… "converts"... was a traveling companion and guide?

Aragorn: Yes. Gollum.

Eragon: _thinks of Murtagh_ That's a good name for him.

Aragorn: _disappointed in Gollum _If the pull of the One Ring had not been so strong on him…

Eragon: One ring? But I made two…and yes, ok, they'll alert Roran and Katrina to each other's presence, and they can call me, but…

Aragorn: Then you are the maker of the rings!

Eragon: Isn't that what I just said?

Aragorn: _draws sword again_

Eragon: _follows suit_

Both: _Fight…but since they are both awesome "I-can't-be-beat" people, they end up with a tie, panting and leaning against trees_. _Eragon faints. Aragorn has long and drawn-out moment of self-doubt._

Eragon: _after waking up _I'm not evil, alright?

Aragorn: But… _looks angsty_

Eragon: _thinks angsty thoughts _Are you?

Aragorn: NO!

Eragon: Just checking.

Aragorn: Listen, I have to be getting back. The hopes of a nation rest on my shoulders…at least, that's what people believe.

Eragon: Me, too.

Aragorn: I've got a kingdom…

Eragon: I've got a dragon.

Aragorn: _owned again _Lucky!

Eragon: Yes…though she does tell me that I am too noble for my own good. She calls it "stupidity." _chuckles_

Aragorn: _not laughing_

Eragon: What?

Aragorn: I am…too noble…also.

Eragon: Another similarity!

Aragorn: But not noble enough_. Sits down in despair_

Eragon: Neither am I good enough to do what must be done. _Sinks to ground next to Aragorn_

Arya:_ looks over at them _What are they doing NOW?

Arwen: Probably wallowing in self-disgust.

Arya: _agreeing_ When they're not being thick-headed and/or brave…

Aragorn: _after a while_ Sometimes this long life I am given is a curse.

Eragon: I know what you mean.

Aragorn: But you are young…

Eragon: …and immortal. I'll live years and years, too.

Aragorn: I have lived longer than you. Eighty years, about?

Eragon: _one-upped _You're right. _pouts_

Arwen:_ walks up to Aragorn_ Come, Melamin. We must go.

Aragorn: Of course. _puts hand around Arwen's waist_

Arya: _looks away pointedly_

Eragon: _Is having trouble not staring at Arya_

Aragorn:_ sees this _He cannot turn away from her. He is captivated.

Arwen: _yet another smile _He reminds me of another young man, long ago…

_**There is a rustling in the forest, and everyone jumps to their feet. A thick, sticky web shoots out from behind a tree across the clearing…**_

Aragorn: Giant spider? Now why does that sound familiar?

Aragog: _Crashes into clearing_ Now you must die, humans.

All: _Raise hands_ Technically, in the purest sense of the word, we're not hu-

Aragog: _Tramples them all _Oh Sheelab, darling! I've got dinner!

THE END

BONUS:

_**Hermionie and Ron, Roran and Katrina, Eowyn and Faramir…aka the secondary romantic subplot characters- all run out into the clearing, crash into each other, and a whole similar discussion starts up all over again…**_

Ron: Oi! What the hell?

Roran: _Helping Katrina stand _What do you mean by this?

Eowyn: What manner of man or beast are you? _Does cool fierce powerful eye-stare_

Faramir: _warning _This forest is forbidden to all who are not elf-friends. _meaning Lothlorien_

Hermionie: The Forbidden Forest?

Katrina: Du Weldenvarden?

All: Huh?

FIN

Voldemort? Galbatorix? Sauron? Wingardium Leviosa? Ganga fram? Amin uuma malia!


End file.
